A Past Season Of Regret and God's Grace

A Former Teacher and Daycare/Preschool Director Reflects On Her Mistakes We all have areas in our past that we regret and while I am fully reconciled to God and my family, I felt it timely to share with you some of mine.  After receiving a Bachelor's degree in Education, I jumped right into a career of full-time public school teaching. After five years of teaching I learned that the church we were attending in Flagstaff was evaluating whether or not to start of a preschool/ daycare program. The Ark Daycare and Preschool I found myself ready for a change, so I transitioned from the public sector into the private sector and was thrilled to be in the more "protected" environment of a church.  I was on the start-up committee and was highly instrumental in the decisions that were made for the creation of this preschool/ daycare.  Zachary and Momma sharing a special moment together. I remember vividly one meeting with the pastors and a few ladies of the church where we discussed the mission behind this program.  All of us with the exception of one lady had the expectation that this preschool/ daycare would serve to meet the needs of families with two working parents.  It seemed like an ideal situation to have a safe and secure place to bring your child as early as 6 weeks of age.  We promised to use a Christian curriculum beginning with our infant room all the way to our preschool room.   Sending the Wrong Message to Moms The lady who opposed the idea was a mother of three children and she shared that it would be better to carry out a Mom's Day Out program that would give stay-at-home moms a little break once a week for a few hours.  She was concerned that by offering a traditional daycare program that we would be advocating moms in the workplace.  I regretfully recall my response and the response of those around me.  I shared that we had done some polling and it was quite evident that there was a need for daycare/ preschool services in our community and despite the ideal of a mother staying home it was not realistic in our expensive community to do so.  With this we proceeded forward with no further dissension.  The preschool and daycare opened up in August 2001. Zachary is Born and Everything Changes About a year into my role as the Director of the preschool Zachary and Daddy at a campground near Show Low, AZ. and daycare I became pregnant with Zachary.  It was assumed that I was in the best position because he would be able to come to work with me and we would be close throughout the day.  No one can prepare a childless young woman for the bond that develops between a mother and her child after birth.  All of my "so-called" ideals from before were thrown out the door.I brought Zachary into my office and kept him there with me the majority of the time while doing my work.  He was strapped onto me or on my lap as I worked throughout the day.  Sending Mixed Messages This was successful for awhile but then I had my evaluation with one of the pastors at the church. The evaluating pastor was a woman, which is unbiblical, who could not have children or chose not to have children. Even though I was running an "incredible program," she shared that there was one area that needed to be addressed: Zachary needed  to be in the infant room. She said that it sent mixed messages to prospective enrolling families when they saw that I didn't allow my own child to be in the infant room.  Baby Zachary My heart ached.Sure, I was the one in charge and was the one that hired and fired the staff for all of the rooms, so I should have complete peace over handing my son over.  I was just down the hall and could check in at any time.  Also, Brad  worked at the same church as the Youth and College Minster, so he could stop in as well. Why couldn't I just relax and count it as a blessing?  The reason is that it was contrary to the role that God designed me for.    No More Pep Talks for Mothers For years as a kindergarten teacher and now as a preschool/ daycare director I gave some of the greatest pep talks to parents while shuttling them out of their child's presence in the mornings.The moms would drop their child off for the first several times in tears and I would assure them that it was completely normal but that if they made it a quick separation that it would be best for both of them.I shared that their child would be fine within 15 minutes of their leaving and by most standards they were.The tears were gone and they were distracted by the activity and other children around them.  But now as a mother I knew that there was a reason that all mothers have this ill feeling of neglect when leaving their child on a regular basis to pursue a career.No amount of explaining would appease me.  I needed to figure out a way to be with my Zachary. Momma holding Zachary A New Vision Not having this vision for our family until now threw our budget for a loop.  We crunched the numbers on paper and there was just no way that I could quit working.  We did manage to have me cut back to ¾ time and then I brought on an assistant director.  This helped but it didn't alleviate the problem.  When Zachary was 15 months old I had to have a tonsillectomy which kept me home for nearly three weeks to recover.  He was with me for the majority of the time despite the intense pain.  I just couldn't bear to be apart from him.  During this time I felt such a peace over being with him full-time and struggled to see how I would manage to return to work.After many tears, Brad decided that we would try going to ½ time and see how we did.  Again it helped but the problem wasn't solved.Things got worse over time especially after walking past the infant room and seeing one of my staff members spanking a 15 month old.   My emotions were unleashed.This was someone that I trusted and she had taken it upon herself to spank another person's child out of frustration!How often had this happened?What was I going to do?I shed several tears over this, but kept my professionalism and solved the matter. Even so, there was no way things could continue as they had been. Zachary eating A New Start Brad decided it was time for him to look for new employment in an area of the state that was more affordable.  I was eager to be home and had no qualms over picking up and moving to a new community.  In December 2003, Brad accepted the position of Youth Pastor at a large church in Prescott. On Christmas Eve we squeezed into a small two-room duplex in Prescott Valley. To make ends meet on one income, we sold a motorhome and our second car and shared one vehicle between the two of us.Eating regularly at restaurants was now a thing of the past and clipping coupons was a new hobby.Despite the challenges we felt at peace in knowing that I was finally caring for Zachary at home as God had intended.   No Regrets! There isn't a day that goes by that I regret having made the decision to stop working outside the home in order to care for Zachary.My only regret is that it took us 18 months to make it happen. In fact, I honestly don't think there would be one mother that would ever say, "I wish that I had focused on my career more when the children were home."  It just doesn't happen.  What we do hear from many moms though is how they wish that they had devoted themselves without any distractions to the raising of their children.These moms are now in a special place where they can encourage new moms to stay home with their children based on their experience of having done the opposite. So, how do I feel about having promoted daycare and preschool programming? Saddened over that past failure to truly seek out the Lord's direction. Had I taken even a brief moment and ignored the polling of the world around me that screamed "We need childcare for working moms!"and sought out God, I would have seen so very clearly that the responsibility of raising children is not one that should be abrogated by parents and delegated to others. Although only a new believer at the time, Brad has also admitted his lack of leadership in this area and apologized to me for it. Today we are solidly on the same page and we have made numerous sacrifices to make sure that I can focus my energies on the work God has called me to do at home. I am so thankful for God's mercy and grace in my life. We all make mistakes and so long as we come to Him with a repentant heart He generously will pour out his forgiveness on us.Thank you, Lord Jesus! Zachary at age 9